update on medical card, cold season issues and happiness

i got the courage to ask my doctor about getting a medical marijuana card for anxiety and he said not to pursue it only if i had everyday back pain - well, my back never really feels good, but i dont go through bad enough pain all the time enough to want to try to convince a dr about, but there are medical marijuana doctors i hear that will find a way - but even my friends wont do it because they are like so not worried about getting caught - i also hear it costs about $300, which is cool

thanks to my buddy who gave me the little glass pipe i have been using - honestly i dont think i have the guts to go to a head shop and buy one yet - something funny happened though last month when guys were passing the pot around that i was still considered not a smoker

i have had a bad cough for over a month and it started shortly after i burned my throat kinda bad on a big hit - i thought it aggravated it, and tried it again a few weeks after that when i started feeling better and the same thing happened - i have a very sensitive throat and it seems to be prone to infection if irritated like getting hoarse or something
then, i had a cough last night, like an annoying tickle that would not go away so i smoked a bunch of very light drags taking in a lot of air

well i felt great! the cough went away - i am perplexed and not sure if pot has much effect positive or negative
i do feel that i need to be careful not to take in a lot of strong smoke though

i tried filling a tiny amount in my pipe to see if i could smoke every bit of it - took me a few weeks and it gets a bit stinky sitting in a drawer instead of putting in fresh bud every time - i found i could smoke it until it was just ash - i have more coming to me though, but i am being stingy with what i have though - gosh, a little sure goes a long way, at least for me!


my new cat does not like catnip and does not react to the smell of it
she does though, seem to look puzzled and surprised when i exhale after taking in some smoke, it is so funny...


i am also involved in a writing project where i am remembering stories of some brutal religious abuse i suffered in the past
i have found that smoking just enough to get me happy and not too much so i dont get spacy, really helps
i realized that it can numb painful emotions and it has really come in handy 2 or 3 times while writing

i also decided not to smoke early in the day because i am concerned about getting intense fatigue and depression later on in the day
i do find that i can wake up feeling really good the next morning if i take some about 3-4 hours before bedtime - i get really wound up (like tonight in fact, its after midnight) late at night and take things for sleep most nights - i dont have to really do this if i smoke in the evening

i have a weird theory about why hippies that are really stoned flop their heads around, maybe ill share about that some day...

depression and anxiety

living with depression and anxiety, i have wanted to see how marijuana effects my moods. so far, its been good for any minor anxiety attacks or feeling too wound up in the morning. i have been trying to get to  sleep earlier so i can be up with the sun, and i find smoking a little after 9pm is quite nice. i have tried it in the morning a few times and within 2-4 hours i go into a deep emotional depression and fatigue. in fact the last time i wrote was just before i crashed really bad after that. it was really bad...

i've done it now three more times since my last entry, and all at night. i tried to do some music recording after some hits sunday night and i seemed to play pretty well except i forgot to hook up one of the mics so i had them redone anyway. so, it goes to say that you can be creative on it but not very practical. although, i have done some very emotional intense writing projects lately and found that just a little smoke helped me loosen up a bit, i also think sexual activity can be more intense too

i talked to a few friends and a guy at the mental health agency who decided for some reason to start talking about marijuana and when i mention recently trying it again, they say they do it and know a lot about it. even one guy i know that works at a church...

thanks chuck in nj for the recipe, that's better advice than what i got from a friend

trying to get into bob marley again...

i had a really bad chest cold for much of this month and smoking was not helping... so i tried taking in a lot more air with the smoke and that had helped me not cough

i still have a lot of issues, and i should write them another time...

and thank you for smoking

second month - smoking with others and driving

this last week was quite unhappy for me

i hurt my back really bad - and i took a few big hits one night and it put me to sleep
i took a fresh bud and pulled a piece off and this time i rolled it up before i put it in the pipe and it was too intense to hold it in - i also made some pot pancakes which was fun but i don't feel anything with them except maybe a syrup high!

taking a lot like that after my surgery made me concerned that i would have those complications i had in my 2nd and 3rd week of my eyes feeling messed up and stuff - i did not have that problem this time and i think as i go into week 4 of my prk recovery it feels ok to get back into some smoking

today i woke up feeling really bad, emotionally, mentally and physically - i tried a few very small hits with my morning coffee and felt really good - i happened to have some worship music playing and i felt like praying, it was a good sunday morning - i play music in church tonight and it would be funny if i told them about my pot and prayer story!

yesterday i was around my pot smoking friends and they offered me some - i denied it like i always do - i am still afraid to get high with others because of my painful experiences i had in my late teens - i am also afraid of not being able to play music right and messing up

the biggest fear i have of taking it outside of my home is that i eventually have to drive home and i am so scared of driving bad and/or being pulled over even though people have assured me that those are not really big issues - i am taking this all very slowly and i think its better to be overcautious then jump into something too fast

i am grateful for my friends who have provided for me and encouraged me in this process - thanks hippies! i was told a hippie joke: how can you tell when hippies have stayed at your house? they are still there!

mental health issues

there were many reasons why i did not want to do pot at all for nearly 20 years
some of it was religious views, some it was fear of getting caught or something like that, but i think the main reason was because of mental health issues

i live with bi-polar depression and when i was in my late teens i experimented with marijuana a handful of times and they were bad experiences
i typically think of those times as turning into a 6 year old - i would get out of control and even on a little dose, i would really offend people. i was saying rude things, crying, and being very clingy...
one time i hallucinated in a few ways that scared me, but now that i think of it, the pot must have had some other things in it... i may share that story some time
i was also untreated and very unstable anyway, so i guess the drug made me more of who i was

anyway, i was afraid to have those things happen and suffer the rejection again... i still am afraid to take it around others. i spend time with people that do it and one of my biggest issues is being concerned of offending them - i also am overcautious about driving under the influence of anything. i get anxious about a lot of things. on the west coast its no big deal to get caught with a little bag of pot, but the thought of that terrifies me. some of it has to do with my self-image... i have a background in ministry and church work. i hate to think of me being a stoner, but im not much of a preacher anymore, its been a while since i have delivered a sermon.

even though i have had some positive experiences this first month, i admit that a few times after i had a pretty good sized dose, i have felt extremely depressed. like nearly paralized. it was more then just my normal mood swings, it felt like intense fatigue and exhaustion. im still trying to figure out more about that. another problem with this is that a manic phase can often follow a down like this. i found that smoking a little really helps in these kind of emergencies. i just dont want this to add to my highs and lows i normally have. i also am concerned about medication reactions... i have a lot more to say about all of this...

atom heart mother

i am in my 3rd week since my laser eye surgery and have smoked four times since then

the last few times, after my protective contacts were out, i would get a small sharp pain in one eye followed by blurriness

the cure was to take a long hot shower... i asked the dr and found out it was just really dry eyes, yeah pot does that

so i am holding off for a while until i have to stop moistening my eyes so much

a few days after the surgery, it was very uncomfortable so when i was on vicoden, i took a few good hits and listened to headphones

i put on pink floyd's atom heart mother which i never liked

this time i really understood this album and really enjoyed it!

surgery

i tried a few times taking some hits after corrective laser eye surgery
nice experiences, i think the strong pain pills were mixing so i felt pretty out there
i do sleep after that so i try to make sure its ok to nap or at bedtime...

it did bring a lot of relief to my eyes...

4th try - social issues with friends and family and faith

i had 2 little hits and a strong one after coming home with a big headache due to a pill reaction
i felt better but was a bit spaced out
i also did not get dizzy much at all and was able to do things
smoking does not seem quite as strange like it did sunday

i was about to take another hit later on in the evening but felt like i had enough - when i tried i could not get a good hit and things like that make me wonder, then it could be just that i also don't know what i am doing
i place a lot of heightened meaning to coincidental events
i was watching a preacher this week who seemed to be telling me to stop what i was doing
i have these preachers on as part of my experiment - and its really strange what goes through my mind! sometimes i think they are talking right to me if i am unsure about something, its like i am wanting them to think for me when i don't know what to do
i want to do something that has been against my conscience and practice my faith as much as i can at the same time instead of abandoning it like i used to if i was in a similar situation



i hung out with a friend of mine who is in recovery today - if he found out he may have to stay away from me - i took him to a party a few years ago where they were taking a few hits in the basement and it triggered him so much that he will not come back
he also really looks up to me and i am worried it may make him weak

so much to deal with...

my mom is picking me up tomorrow for me to get corrective eye laser work done
i worry that she will find out without me telling her, and i am thinking of telling her and even though i think it will be ok, i also fear it could be a mess