third try - and religious debates

wednesday the 14th was a total day off to i tried it a few times that day a few hits at a time
my first few hits early afternoon made me sleep until dark after i did sleep nearly 12 hours the night before

one thing i notice is that my typical breathing in my diaphragm is usually tight, that it relaxes and i can take deeper breaths

i also tried after upsetting my tennis elbow and got a little relief but i still had to put it on ice

this kind of marijuana i got has a lemon smell

tastes really bad

seems to have light drags until i get it lit real good and its too intense and i can't hold it in - i feel like a kid! it leaves such a bad taste, i have to drink something with it right away, i also was still coughing sometimes

religious debates

last weekend i decided to really peruse this and i was filled with confusion

it seemed like i payed attention to anti-drug messages and was reminded of all the things i hear from churches against pot and so-forth 

i had a feeling of apathy like i did not care what happened then found myself trying to argue in my mind about whether its ok or not

i was afraid to listen to christian music or especially watch preachers on tv, but i still did this week

i had a good time at church sunday, but knowing i was going to pick up a bag of pot that night made me feel uneasy

the funny thing was that we went out that evening and the church folks as well as the pastor were drinking alcohol which i really don't do at all

many christians are ok with drinking but i did not even want to mention marijuana because i know its a pretty taboo subject, even with an inclusive church like mine, i even volunteer there

i wondered when i would let them know about this and if i could still work there?

my devotional reading tuesday was about following your conscience and i honestly don't know where i am on this subject

the hardest thing for me is my self image

i just cant picture me as someone who smokes

i have also spoke against this for nearly 2 decades! maybe im brainwashed

i have been more liberal in my faith the last 5 years

every year or so i try something that i thought was evil

like secular music and expressing my sexuality

this is no different and i may just decide that its wrong for me

i don't want to feel like its wrong for everyone though, ive been there…