depression and anxiety

living with depression and anxiety, i have wanted to see how marijuana effects my moods. so far, its been good for any minor anxiety attacks or feeling too wound up in the morning. i have been trying to get to  sleep earlier so i can be up with the sun, and i find smoking a little after 9pm is quite nice. i have tried it in the morning a few times and within 2-4 hours i go into a deep emotional depression and fatigue. in fact the last time i wrote was just before i crashed really bad after that. it was really bad...

i've done it now three more times since my last entry, and all at night. i tried to do some music recording after some hits sunday night and i seemed to play pretty well except i forgot to hook up one of the mics so i had them redone anyway. so, it goes to say that you can be creative on it but not very practical. although, i have done some very emotional intense writing projects lately and found that just a little smoke helped me loosen up a bit, i also think sexual activity can be more intense too

i talked to a few friends and a guy at the mental health agency who decided for some reason to start talking about marijuana and when i mention recently trying it again, they say they do it and know a lot about it. even one guy i know that works at a church...

thanks chuck in nj for the recipe, that's better advice than what i got from a friend

trying to get into bob marley again...

i had a really bad chest cold for much of this month and smoking was not helping... so i tried taking in a lot more air with the smoke and that had helped me not cough

i still have a lot of issues, and i should write them another time...

and thank you for smoking

second month - smoking with others and driving

this last week was quite unhappy for me

i hurt my back really bad - and i took a few big hits one night and it put me to sleep
i took a fresh bud and pulled a piece off and this time i rolled it up before i put it in the pipe and it was too intense to hold it in - i also made some pot pancakes which was fun but i don't feel anything with them except maybe a syrup high!

taking a lot like that after my surgery made me concerned that i would have those complications i had in my 2nd and 3rd week of my eyes feeling messed up and stuff - i did not have that problem this time and i think as i go into week 4 of my prk recovery it feels ok to get back into some smoking

today i woke up feeling really bad, emotionally, mentally and physically - i tried a few very small hits with my morning coffee and felt really good - i happened to have some worship music playing and i felt like praying, it was a good sunday morning - i play music in church tonight and it would be funny if i told them about my pot and prayer story!

yesterday i was around my pot smoking friends and they offered me some - i denied it like i always do - i am still afraid to get high with others because of my painful experiences i had in my late teens - i am also afraid of not being able to play music right and messing up

the biggest fear i have of taking it outside of my home is that i eventually have to drive home and i am so scared of driving bad and/or being pulled over even though people have assured me that those are not really big issues - i am taking this all very slowly and i think its better to be overcautious then jump into something too fast

i am grateful for my friends who have provided for me and encouraged me in this process - thanks hippies! i was told a hippie joke: how can you tell when hippies have stayed at your house? they are still there!

mental health issues

there were many reasons why i did not want to do pot at all for nearly 20 years
some of it was religious views, some it was fear of getting caught or something like that, but i think the main reason was because of mental health issues

i live with bi-polar depression and when i was in my late teens i experimented with marijuana a handful of times and they were bad experiences
i typically think of those times as turning into a 6 year old - i would get out of control and even on a little dose, i would really offend people. i was saying rude things, crying, and being very clingy...
one time i hallucinated in a few ways that scared me, but now that i think of it, the pot must have had some other things in it... i may share that story some time
i was also untreated and very unstable anyway, so i guess the drug made me more of who i was

anyway, i was afraid to have those things happen and suffer the rejection again... i still am afraid to take it around others. i spend time with people that do it and one of my biggest issues is being concerned of offending them - i also am overcautious about driving under the influence of anything. i get anxious about a lot of things. on the west coast its no big deal to get caught with a little bag of pot, but the thought of that terrifies me. some of it has to do with my self-image... i have a background in ministry and church work. i hate to think of me being a stoner, but im not much of a preacher anymore, its been a while since i have delivered a sermon.

even though i have had some positive experiences this first month, i admit that a few times after i had a pretty good sized dose, i have felt extremely depressed. like nearly paralized. it was more then just my normal mood swings, it felt like intense fatigue and exhaustion. im still trying to figure out more about that. another problem with this is that a manic phase can often follow a down like this. i found that smoking a little really helps in these kind of emergencies. i just dont want this to add to my highs and lows i normally have. i also am concerned about medication reactions... i have a lot more to say about all of this...