mental health issues

there were many reasons why i did not want to do pot at all for nearly 20 years
some of it was religious views, some it was fear of getting caught or something like that, but i think the main reason was because of mental health issues

i live with bi-polar depression and when i was in my late teens i experimented with marijuana a handful of times and they were bad experiences
i typically think of those times as turning into a 6 year old - i would get out of control and even on a little dose, i would really offend people. i was saying rude things, crying, and being very clingy...
one time i hallucinated in a few ways that scared me, but now that i think of it, the pot must have had some other things in it... i may share that story some time
i was also untreated and very unstable anyway, so i guess the drug made me more of who i was

anyway, i was afraid to have those things happen and suffer the rejection again... i still am afraid to take it around others. i spend time with people that do it and one of my biggest issues is being concerned of offending them - i also am overcautious about driving under the influence of anything. i get anxious about a lot of things. on the west coast its no big deal to get caught with a little bag of pot, but the thought of that terrifies me. some of it has to do with my self-image... i have a background in ministry and church work. i hate to think of me being a stoner, but im not much of a preacher anymore, its been a while since i have delivered a sermon.

even though i have had some positive experiences this first month, i admit that a few times after i had a pretty good sized dose, i have felt extremely depressed. like nearly paralized. it was more then just my normal mood swings, it felt like intense fatigue and exhaustion. im still trying to figure out more about that. another problem with this is that a manic phase can often follow a down like this. i found that smoking a little really helps in these kind of emergencies. i just dont want this to add to my highs and lows i normally have. i also am concerned about medication reactions... i have a lot more to say about all of this...