I have decided it is OK for me as a practicing Christian to use cannabis

It's late Fall 2012 and the experiment has been pretty much "over" for some months now...

I have decided it is OK for me as a practicing Christian to use cannabis 

I got frustrated trying to get my medical card so gave up for a while. This clinic was flakey and trying to work with the wrong doctor and I just did not see the use...

I still am using the three types I was given last Winter and taking them quite regularly but in small doses. Apparently, compared to most folks I know, a little goes a long way for me. I can roll a tiny ball (about the size to fit in the eraser holder of a standard pencil) and smoke that for a day or two. I am just keeping them in plastic bags and I guess it's loosing its potency. 

I have dated about 4 folks this last year who smoke grass. I also have met a lot of other Christians that smoke it. I have tried about three other types and some just put me to sleep. I experimented a week or so ago to smoke it every night to get off of benadryl that I take for sleep and it was OK, I jus found myself getting up too early anxious which is a bad thing for me. A lot of times I would wake up quite refreshed.

This fall I also made some Train Wreck brownies that were great. Over all, I have had good experiences and it seems to be a part of my life at least 4-5 times a week, sometimes daily. It's great for my...

Back pain

Anxiety

Depression

Sleep

Breathing

Hooray for Washington state! looks like the west coast is winning the battle against prohibition 

Thanks for reading, and God Bless

Roman Zate

spring 2012 - leftovers!

spring 2012 was pretty good to me
i was no longer in a band, and felt pressure to get high with the other players and did not have the strength to not get so into that
i really want to smoke to relieve anxiety and back pain
i have found that a tiny ball i roll and put into a pipe the size of the tip of a sharpee pen will last me two or three days and i will keep it for about a week until it turns completely  into ash

this may be bad because it tastes so stale after a day, but its economical
i also take in even more air with the smoke because its a vented pipe
but the other night, while dealing with severe restlessness i placed a larger amount and took in a lot of smoke
just one or two hits like that and i started feeling high, just a bit too much but it helped me cope i admit
other than that, spring was a pattern of smoking about every week, 1-5 times with the exception of a few weeks out of state
i think the strong hit three days ago has given me a deep sore throat and some coughing issues - i feel like i got burned and its really bothering me
i often have sore throats anyway and this week i am really sensitive to stuff in the air but it feels like its healing though...

i feel like my experiment is officially over, yet there are still some things i want to get clear about before i feel like this is to be a regular part of my life

one of my closest friends who is in drug and alcohol recovery told me of a real pot user that he was thinking of dating said that this user was mean and harsh on grass? i don't know... i asked him if he was sure that there was no other drugs involved but did not want to talk about it more for fear of revealing my status because that would really mess up his recovery

i also am thinking of dating a guy who lives out of town that is an avid medical marijuana user, its nice to have this in common and he seems respectful of how little i use

i need to see my chiropractor this summer again because in order to get a medical card, it looks like i need a letter from this dr and the pain needs to be chronic which it was not too bad last winter but is not daily

what a disaster

what a disaster...

i had a really bad experience in feburary
i was doing live music one night and thought i would give it a try and i smoked a hit with a few very small puffs after that and in an hour or so i totally became unable to do anything at all
turns out that that what i was given was this type of grass that was called zz, and i had never tried it - its known to put some folks to sleep
within a few songs in the gig, i could hardly sing, i could not seem to get the right volume from my instrument i was so out of it and that if something upset me, it was like everyone was in my head
it got me so anxious that it caused me to shut down which made me even more afraid making a sort of downward spiral - then my hands felt heavy like i could not lift them then my head sank down
i was so embarrassed and the others tried to help me but i waited until i was able to muster up enough strength to leave - i walked a few blocks in the cold night air to wake me up and found a grocery store where i got a starbucks energy drink and a sandwich - i felt a lot better in about an hour, but i have less trust in myself to make informed enough choices in these kind of circles

i did have a nice valentines day, my ex came over and he brought a little grass he called blue sunshine or something - i tried it a few times after that and it gave me the giggles - i would take a few hits in the middle of the simpsons and then laugh through the second half, not the first half of the show

its weird how different kinds of grass can have such different results
i was given something called 'train wreck' and it was very stony, but the stuff that smells like lemons is pretty mellow

i sure learned my lesson about smoking while working, driving and with others - especially with trying out new kinds of grass
also, it may have had something to do with a piece of homemade chocolate that i got from a few hippy ladies... i have so much to learn..

update on medical card, cold season issues and happiness

i got the courage to ask my doctor about getting a medical marijuana card for anxiety and he said not to pursue it only if i had everyday back pain - well, my back never really feels good, but i dont go through bad enough pain all the time enough to want to try to convince a dr about, but there are medical marijuana doctors i hear that will find a way - but even my friends wont do it because they are like so not worried about getting caught - i also hear it costs about $300, which is cool

thanks to my buddy who gave me the little glass pipe i have been using - honestly i dont think i have the guts to go to a head shop and buy one yet - something funny happened though last month when guys were passing the pot around that i was still considered not a smoker

i have had a bad cough for over a month and it started shortly after i burned my throat kinda bad on a big hit - i thought it aggravated it, and tried it again a few weeks after that when i started feeling better and the same thing happened - i have a very sensitive throat and it seems to be prone to infection if irritated like getting hoarse or something
then, i had a cough last night, like an annoying tickle that would not go away so i smoked a bunch of very light drags taking in a lot of air

well i felt great! the cough went away - i am perplexed and not sure if pot has much effect positive or negative
i do feel that i need to be careful not to take in a lot of strong smoke though

i tried filling a tiny amount in my pipe to see if i could smoke every bit of it - took me a few weeks and it gets a bit stinky sitting in a drawer instead of putting in fresh bud every time - i found i could smoke it until it was just ash - i have more coming to me though, but i am being stingy with what i have though - gosh, a little sure goes a long way, at least for me!


my new cat does not like catnip and does not react to the smell of it
she does though, seem to look puzzled and surprised when i exhale after taking in some smoke, it is so funny...


i am also involved in a writing project where i am remembering stories of some brutal religious abuse i suffered in the past
i have found that smoking just enough to get me happy and not too much so i dont get spacy, really helps
i realized that it can numb painful emotions and it has really come in handy 2 or 3 times while writing

i also decided not to smoke early in the day because i am concerned about getting intense fatigue and depression later on in the day
i do find that i can wake up feeling really good the next morning if i take some about 3-4 hours before bedtime - i get really wound up (like tonight in fact, its after midnight) late at night and take things for sleep most nights - i dont have to really do this if i smoke in the evening

i have a weird theory about why hippies that are really stoned flop their heads around, maybe ill share about that some day...

depression and anxiety

living with depression and anxiety, i have wanted to see how marijuana effects my moods. so far, its been good for any minor anxiety attacks or feeling too wound up in the morning. i have been trying to get to  sleep earlier so i can be up with the sun, and i find smoking a little after 9pm is quite nice. i have tried it in the morning a few times and within 2-4 hours i go into a deep emotional depression and fatigue. in fact the last time i wrote was just before i crashed really bad after that. it was really bad...

i've done it now three more times since my last entry, and all at night. i tried to do some music recording after some hits sunday night and i seemed to play pretty well except i forgot to hook up one of the mics so i had them redone anyway. so, it goes to say that you can be creative on it but not very practical. although, i have done some very emotional intense writing projects lately and found that just a little smoke helped me loosen up a bit, i also think sexual activity can be more intense too

i talked to a few friends and a guy at the mental health agency who decided for some reason to start talking about marijuana and when i mention recently trying it again, they say they do it and know a lot about it. even one guy i know that works at a church...

thanks chuck in nj for the recipe, that's better advice than what i got from a friend

trying to get into bob marley again...

i had a really bad chest cold for much of this month and smoking was not helping... so i tried taking in a lot more air with the smoke and that had helped me not cough

i still have a lot of issues, and i should write them another time...

and thank you for smoking

second month - smoking with others and driving

this last week was quite unhappy for me

i hurt my back really bad - and i took a few big hits one night and it put me to sleep
i took a fresh bud and pulled a piece off and this time i rolled it up before i put it in the pipe and it was too intense to hold it in - i also made some pot pancakes which was fun but i don't feel anything with them except maybe a syrup high!

taking a lot like that after my surgery made me concerned that i would have those complications i had in my 2nd and 3rd week of my eyes feeling messed up and stuff - i did not have that problem this time and i think as i go into week 4 of my prk recovery it feels ok to get back into some smoking

today i woke up feeling really bad, emotionally, mentally and physically - i tried a few very small hits with my morning coffee and felt really good - i happened to have some worship music playing and i felt like praying, it was a good sunday morning - i play music in church tonight and it would be funny if i told them about my pot and prayer story!

yesterday i was around my pot smoking friends and they offered me some - i denied it like i always do - i am still afraid to get high with others because of my painful experiences i had in my late teens - i am also afraid of not being able to play music right and messing up

the biggest fear i have of taking it outside of my home is that i eventually have to drive home and i am so scared of driving bad and/or being pulled over even though people have assured me that those are not really big issues - i am taking this all very slowly and i think its better to be overcautious then jump into something too fast

i am grateful for my friends who have provided for me and encouraged me in this process - thanks hippies! i was told a hippie joke: how can you tell when hippies have stayed at your house? they are still there!

mental health issues

there were many reasons why i did not want to do pot at all for nearly 20 years
some of it was religious views, some it was fear of getting caught or something like that, but i think the main reason was because of mental health issues

i live with bi-polar depression and when i was in my late teens i experimented with marijuana a handful of times and they were bad experiences
i typically think of those times as turning into a 6 year old - i would get out of control and even on a little dose, i would really offend people. i was saying rude things, crying, and being very clingy...
one time i hallucinated in a few ways that scared me, but now that i think of it, the pot must have had some other things in it... i may share that story some time
i was also untreated and very unstable anyway, so i guess the drug made me more of who i was

anyway, i was afraid to have those things happen and suffer the rejection again... i still am afraid to take it around others. i spend time with people that do it and one of my biggest issues is being concerned of offending them - i also am overcautious about driving under the influence of anything. i get anxious about a lot of things. on the west coast its no big deal to get caught with a little bag of pot, but the thought of that terrifies me. some of it has to do with my self-image... i have a background in ministry and church work. i hate to think of me being a stoner, but im not much of a preacher anymore, its been a while since i have delivered a sermon.

even though i have had some positive experiences this first month, i admit that a few times after i had a pretty good sized dose, i have felt extremely depressed. like nearly paralized. it was more then just my normal mood swings, it felt like intense fatigue and exhaustion. im still trying to figure out more about that. another problem with this is that a manic phase can often follow a down like this. i found that smoking a little really helps in these kind of emergencies. i just dont want this to add to my highs and lows i normally have. i also am concerned about medication reactions... i have a lot more to say about all of this...