depression and anxiety

living with depression and anxiety, i have wanted to see how marijuana effects my moods. so far, its been good for any minor anxiety attacks or feeling too wound up in the morning. i have been trying to get to  sleep earlier so i can be up with the sun, and i find smoking a little after 9pm is quite nice. i have tried it in the morning a few times and within 2-4 hours i go into a deep emotional depression and fatigue. in fact the last time i wrote was just before i crashed really bad after that. it was really bad...

i've done it now three more times since my last entry, and all at night. i tried to do some music recording after some hits sunday night and i seemed to play pretty well except i forgot to hook up one of the mics so i had them redone anyway. so, it goes to say that you can be creative on it but not very practical. although, i have done some very emotional intense writing projects lately and found that just a little smoke helped me loosen up a bit, i also think sexual activity can be more intense too

i talked to a few friends and a guy at the mental health agency who decided for some reason to start talking about marijuana and when i mention recently trying it again, they say they do it and know a lot about it. even one guy i know that works at a church...

thanks chuck in nj for the recipe, that's better advice than what i got from a friend

trying to get into bob marley again...

i had a really bad chest cold for much of this month and smoking was not helping... so i tried taking in a lot more air with the smoke and that had helped me not cough

i still have a lot of issues, and i should write them another time...

and thank you for smoking

mental health issues

there were many reasons why i did not want to do pot at all for nearly 20 years
some of it was religious views, some it was fear of getting caught or something like that, but i think the main reason was because of mental health issues

i live with bi-polar depression and when i was in my late teens i experimented with marijuana a handful of times and they were bad experiences
i typically think of those times as turning into a 6 year old - i would get out of control and even on a little dose, i would really offend people. i was saying rude things, crying, and being very clingy...
one time i hallucinated in a few ways that scared me, but now that i think of it, the pot must have had some other things in it... i may share that story some time
i was also untreated and very unstable anyway, so i guess the drug made me more of who i was

anyway, i was afraid to have those things happen and suffer the rejection again... i still am afraid to take it around others. i spend time with people that do it and one of my biggest issues is being concerned of offending them - i also am overcautious about driving under the influence of anything. i get anxious about a lot of things. on the west coast its no big deal to get caught with a little bag of pot, but the thought of that terrifies me. some of it has to do with my self-image... i have a background in ministry and church work. i hate to think of me being a stoner, but im not much of a preacher anymore, its been a while since i have delivered a sermon.

even though i have had some positive experiences this first month, i admit that a few times after i had a pretty good sized dose, i have felt extremely depressed. like nearly paralized. it was more then just my normal mood swings, it felt like intense fatigue and exhaustion. im still trying to figure out more about that. another problem with this is that a manic phase can often follow a down like this. i found that smoking a little really helps in these kind of emergencies. i just dont want this to add to my highs and lows i normally have. i also am concerned about medication reactions... i have a lot more to say about all of this...

atom heart mother

i am in my 3rd week since my laser eye surgery and have smoked four times since then

the last few times, after my protective contacts were out, i would get a small sharp pain in one eye followed by blurriness

the cure was to take a long hot shower... i asked the dr and found out it was just really dry eyes, yeah pot does that

so i am holding off for a while until i have to stop moistening my eyes so much

a few days after the surgery, it was very uncomfortable so when i was on vicoden, i took a few good hits and listened to headphones

i put on pink floyd's atom heart mother which i never liked

this time i really understood this album and really enjoyed it!

4th try - social issues with friends and family and faith

i had 2 little hits and a strong one after coming home with a big headache due to a pill reaction
i felt better but was a bit spaced out
i also did not get dizzy much at all and was able to do things
smoking does not seem quite as strange like it did sunday

i was about to take another hit later on in the evening but felt like i had enough - when i tried i could not get a good hit and things like that make me wonder, then it could be just that i also don't know what i am doing
i place a lot of heightened meaning to coincidental events
i was watching a preacher this week who seemed to be telling me to stop what i was doing
i have these preachers on as part of my experiment - and its really strange what goes through my mind! sometimes i think they are talking right to me if i am unsure about something, its like i am wanting them to think for me when i don't know what to do
i want to do something that has been against my conscience and practice my faith as much as i can at the same time instead of abandoning it like i used to if i was in a similar situation



i hung out with a friend of mine who is in recovery today - if he found out he may have to stay away from me - i took him to a party a few years ago where they were taking a few hits in the basement and it triggered him so much that he will not come back
he also really looks up to me and i am worried it may make him weak

so much to deal with...

my mom is picking me up tomorrow for me to get corrective eye laser work done
i worry that she will find out without me telling her, and i am thinking of telling her and even though i think it will be ok, i also fear it could be a mess

third try - and religious debates

wednesday the 14th was a total day off to i tried it a few times that day a few hits at a time
my first few hits early afternoon made me sleep until dark after i did sleep nearly 12 hours the night before

one thing i notice is that my typical breathing in my diaphragm is usually tight, that it relaxes and i can take deeper breaths

i also tried after upsetting my tennis elbow and got a little relief but i still had to put it on ice

this kind of marijuana i got has a lemon smell

tastes really bad

seems to have light drags until i get it lit real good and its too intense and i can't hold it in - i feel like a kid! it leaves such a bad taste, i have to drink something with it right away, i also was still coughing sometimes

religious debates

last weekend i decided to really peruse this and i was filled with confusion

it seemed like i payed attention to anti-drug messages and was reminded of all the things i hear from churches against pot and so-forth 

i had a feeling of apathy like i did not care what happened then found myself trying to argue in my mind about whether its ok or not

i was afraid to listen to christian music or especially watch preachers on tv, but i still did this week

i had a good time at church sunday, but knowing i was going to pick up a bag of pot that night made me feel uneasy

the funny thing was that we went out that evening and the church folks as well as the pastor were drinking alcohol which i really don't do at all

many christians are ok with drinking but i did not even want to mention marijuana because i know its a pretty taboo subject, even with an inclusive church like mine, i even volunteer there

i wondered when i would let them know about this and if i could still work there?

my devotional reading tuesday was about following your conscience and i honestly don't know where i am on this subject

the hardest thing for me is my self image

i just cant picture me as someone who smokes

i have also spoke against this for nearly 2 decades! maybe im brainwashed

i have been more liberal in my faith the last 5 years

every year or so i try something that i thought was evil

like secular music and expressing my sexuality

this is no different and i may just decide that its wrong for me

i don't want to feel like its wrong for everyone though, ive been there…

entry 3

second day was better, and for some reason, when i started my sore throat went away

drinking a lot of water with this

after the 3 hits i thought i would try a few things...

playing music: easy

on the computer : hard

a few hours later i took two more hits

here is what i found

hungry again!!!

im 240 lbs and wondering if i will gain more

golly they are right about this stuff, it makes you peckish 

watched starwars ep 2 and it went fast and the only part i really enjoyed was the music at the ending credits, it was amazing

i fell asleep on the couch and awoke startled over nothing

when i closed my eyes i actually believed that i was at the house i grew up in, very strange experience...

crawled into bed again without brushing my teeth like the night before and did not even change into my nighties 

the first thing i noticed my first night was how circulation improved

i have minor heart problems and often have cold feet and i noticed right away sensation in my legs and feet

i did get some tightness in chest 

hot palms... sounds like a town in southern california!

the next morning i awoke grogy and tired and sore and lazy, but thats normal for me!

i have a frog in my throat but not really sore at all

entry 1

had my first hit in about 20 years -  december 11th, 2011

i took 3 hits before bedtime

my lower back pain nearly went away

got a bit dizzy

was spaced out and had trouble remembering little things i normally do at night

i coughed more than i thought i would


had some brief sinus pain
woke up with a pretty bad sore throat the next day